Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book

Slow clap to Disney on this masterpiece; it may be one of the best movies they ever made.

Their live-action interpretation of Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book is nothing less than mesmerizing. The film is gorgeous, thrilling, and charming as hell.

I’m fairly certain most people have seen or at least heard the concept of The Jungle Book, so I’d rather lay out the key aspects of this version that make it particularly worth the watch:

1. The cast is ridiculous.

Mowgli is played by Jason Scott Lee (no relation to Bruce Lee) and he is absolute perfection — curious and innocent,  but also wild, fierce, and smart as a whip. Jason Scott Lee coordinates all these personality traits to make you fall in love with his benevolent character. In addition, the little boy who plays him as a child is a national treasure. mowgli

Cersei murders everyone in the Red Keep. Oops, wrong Lena Headley role. In The Jungle Book, she plays Kitty, the adventurous and bold daughter of Officer Brydan and friend to Mowgli. lena.gif

Sam Neill is Officer Brydan of the British army occupying India, and he is as adorable as ever. Hashtag Old Man Crush. So kind hearted and brave, that one. Sigh. images.jpeg

John Cleese is Dr. Plumford, Brydan’s friend and the resident doctor on staff. His awkward British charm is a great addition to the film.

Then there’s Cary Elwes. Maybe best known for his role as the Dread Pirate Roberts in the Princess Bride. Unfortunately, our little Cary Berry is the villain in this movie. He’s Captain Boone, a soldier in the British army under Brydan’s command, and a man who also happens to be Kitty’s current beau.

2. The score and cinematography are on point.

A good score can launch a good movie to greatness. This film’s score does not disappoint. It offers epic and beautifully arranged pieces that add layers of emotion to every shot. Location shooting definitely happened because I just don’t see how all the lush, beautiful jungle, and rolling waterfalls could be fake. Speaking of things not being fake…

3. Hi, animals!

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I have mixed emotions on using animals in entertainment, but I would also like to believe Disney had high standards for the care of these creatures. Panthers, brown bears, wolves, tigers, elephants, monkeys, orangangutangs, snakes — you name it. The gang’s all here. It definitely adds something special.

4. Terror is a thing.

This is a “children’s movie” but there are some surprisingly distressing scenes. People getting mauled by wild animals, drowning in quicksand, and being buried alive to name a few. Not pleasant. 

Combine all of the above elements together and you have the majesty that is The Jungle Book. The story of a young boy named Mowgli who, while accompanying his father in the jungle, finds himself separated and lost. A tiger named Shere Khan is the cause of the commotion that separates him. 

Mowgli spends the next several years growing up the unforgiving jungle and learning to live by his own resourcefulness. He makes a few animal friends along the way and even earns the respect of King Louis — the Ruler of Monkey City — by fighting valiantly for the return of his stolen bracelet. King Louis’ abandoned palace is home to hundreds of monkey squatters and mountains of gold. None of this is of any significance to Mowgli, who grew up valuing animals and nature instead of material goods. 

In a fluke encounter, Mowgli is reunited with Kitty and with civilization itself. Once she realizes who he is, she and the doctor start teaching him language and the ways of modern society. learn.gif

Meanwhile, her greedy fiance, Boone, takes notice of the knife Mowgli wears on his belt. It is a dagger from Monkey City made of pure gold and valuable jewels. Boone lurks patiently, waiting for the opportune time to press Mowgli on the city’s location.   

As he navigates the strange new world, Mowgli learns the hard way that, unlike animals, people can be evil. The story takes a dark turn when Kitty rejects Boone’s marriage proposal and he quickly decides to kidnap her as a way to blackmail Mowgli into taking him to the gold. Meanwhile, Shere Khan, the tiger King of the jungle, has been watching the goings-on and he is NOT pleased.

The action-packed adventure is full throttle as Boone and his team forge through the jungle in search of the lost city. 

Who will live and who will die in the black jungle? Will Mowgli win the respect of Shere Khan? How will the power of nature balance the greed of man? Only the jungle knows…

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Snowpiercer

An imaginative and unique science-fiction thriller. That’s how I would define Snowpiercer. Is it highly improbable that an experiment meant to slow global warming could backfire and kill off the majority of the planet? Well, yeah, but it still works.

This movie has a lot of post-apocalyptic subplots happening. In the year 2031, the only remaining people on Earth live on a train called Snowpiercer, which apparently will just zip around the frozen world forever (global warming experiment = new ice age) using a perpetual-motion engine.

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But it’s not all “kumbaya” on the choo-choo.

People exist as the haves and the have-nots. The poor are treated like slaves and fed a weird gelatin substance while the Richie Riches’ occupy a completely separate part of the train and have fancy dinner parties. Military police keep the peasants at bay by beating old women and yelling aggressively.

Curtis (aka Chris Evans, aka Captain America) is one of these lower class passengers, and he has had ENOUGH. He devises a scheme to get to the classy part of the train and take it over. Curtis believes he and his motley crew must aim for the train’s engine. He who controls the engine controls the world.

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Everyone keeps asking Curtis if it’s time to execute his big plan, but he’s still figuring out the details. In the meantime, the psychopathic upper class steals tiny children from their moms (Octavia Spencer for one), freezes a man’s arm off, and generally treats the oppressed people like subhumans. Tilda Swinton plays the creepy, sadistic leader with John Hurt as her regular-guy adversary.

Finally, after all the waiting, Curtis’ plan is set in motion. The back-of-the-train people use metal barrels affixed together as a giant battering ram. They ram through each train car and fight the military police they meet. Once they enter the prison, they release the cracked-out genius who designed the train’s locks and security systems to help them make headway.

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Each train car reveals a new nightmare and each step unravels their master plan a little bit more. The closer they get to the front of the train, the crazier and more brutal things become. I’m not one for brutality, but there is a pretty epic hand-to-hand combat scene at one point.

Nothing is constant and the story takes several horrifying turns as we discover new truths about the characters’ backstories. The end may surprise you. 

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Babies taste best.

The Incredible Shrinking Man

LISTEN – if you’ve been dismissing black and white movies because you think they’re not “sophisticated” enough for your fancy expectations, then this film is your challenge.

The Incredible Shrinking Man is a 1957 film with all the pizzaz of your precious modern-day blockbusters, but without the help of CGI, which makes it WAY more impressive.

The Incredible Shrinking Man also does something I find especially powerful: it builds visceral empathy for the main character. You literally FEEL his suffering. The basis of the film is sci-fi-of course, but the intensity makes it more of a drama. 

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It all starts when Scott Carey and his wife are vacationing at sea. When his wife goes inside their boat to grab beers, a strange mist passes over, leaving a residue on Scott’s skin. Weeks later, he starts noticing odd changes in his size.

Scott is getting smaller every day, and he decides it’s time to seek professional help.  A team of doctors run endless tests, and finally, a breakthrough occurs. They identify two factors contributing to Scott’s ailment: his exposure to the apparent radiation cloud that passed over him on the boat, and (because his luck isn’t bad enough) his accidental exposure to a powerful insecticide sprayed near his house two weeks later. This combination of radiation and chemicals sparks a condition for which there is no precedent.

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When you forgot your keys and your husband’s late opening the door.

It’s not long before Scott’s story goes public and he and his wife find themselves confined to their home, hiding from reporters and gawking neighbors. Meanwhile, Scott’s team of doctors work feverishly to find an anecdote. Sadly, when they finally discover a serum they think may help, it’s not enough. Scott continues shrinking, now living in a doll house on the floor of what was once his home.

Hashtag depressingggg.

Living in a doll house may sound kind of awesome, but being that small comes with some serious dangers. Cue Scott’s inevitable run-in with the cat, which spurs the turning point of the film.

This movie is surprisingly DARK. From almost being eaten by a cat, to nearly drowning, to fending off a giant spider, the main character is in constant conflict. We watch him teeter between losing his mind and fighting for survival for most of the film. 

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Oh look, it’s my LITERAL NIGHTMARE.

I mean, imagine if you were shrinking. Do you really think your wacky inventor Dad would nuke you with his laser and bring you back? That some rude caterpillar would feed you a psychedelic mushroom to make you normal again? No. You’d be screwed and therefore horrified.

This film accurately captures that anxiety and imagines how a person would react mentally, physically, and emotionally to such a life event. It’s also a testament to the awe and wonder at a universe bigger than us — even us normal-sized, non-shrinking humans.

 

What We Do in the Shadows

Vampires + Reality TV = what? You’ll find out if you watch the comedy/horror mockumentary, What We Do in the Shadows (2014). The film was written and directed by two of its stars, Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi, and it has it all: deadpan comedy, relatable roommate squabbles, social rejection, darkness, aggressive artery punctures (which I could do without), a feeling of general creepiness, documentary vibes, and old timey clothing.

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Oh dear, Petyr..

What We Do in the Shadows is set in modern day New Zealand, where four roommate vampires are trying to navigate 21st century life. I say four vampires because technically it is four, but one of the vampires, Petyr, is every child’s nightmare, so he only makes limited appearances. The other three vampires – Viago, Deacon, and Vladislav – are the main subjects of the “documentary”.

This film is bizarre, creative perfection. It must have been pretty amusing to sit in a room and brainstorm all the ways modern life would be inconvenient for vampires. Today’s vampires not only have to deal with the whole ‘drinking blood and staying out of the sun’ thing, but also negotiate the stale day-to-day conflicts of us “regular people”. Arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes. Who forgot to pay rent. Which friend is trash talking the other one. We’re all just people/immortals trying to find some joy in this crazy world.  

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The vampire roommates struggle with issues us humans would never have to worry about. Not having a reflection, for instance, makes it pretty hard to play “What should I wear tonight?” before you hit the club. And then, even if you do pick something suitable, you can’t actually get into the club unless the bouncer invites you.  

At the beginning of the “documentary” each vampire explains how they became who they are. I don’t want to ruin their backstories, but here are their general personalities:

Deacon: Deacon is described as the “bad boy” of the group. He is a sensual, wild, vampire nazi.

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Vladislav: Vladislav has been around since the medieval times, so he has a more old school mentality about vampiring.

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Viago: Viago is the diva who often appoints himself the leader and mediator of the group.

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How else will you soak up all the blood? Duh.

Although their lives are restricted, the vampires aren’t living in complete isolation. Not only are they interacting with humans like Deacon’s servant Jackie and their friend Stu, but they know other vampires and creatures as well. In fact, there’s a bustling society of vampires, werewolves, witches, zombies, and other nonhuman beings running rampant around the city. The “documentary” is filmed as a lead up to the Unholy Masquerade, which is an annual gathering of all these creatures.

If I reveal too much about the plot it may ruin the experience, so instead, I’ll end this post with a few teaser quotes to look forward to when you watch it….

[On why they like virgin blood]
Deacon: I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.

Vladislav: I think of it like this. If you’re going to enjoy a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.


Anton the Werewolf: [to all the werewolves] What are we? We’re… [All, together] We’re Werewolves, not Swear-Wolves.


Stu: [Showing the vampires Google] Anything you want to find you type it in.

Viago: I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

Deacon: Yes, now Google it.


Nick: Twilight!

Deacon: Shut up, Nick! You’re not Twilight.

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Lars and the Real Girl

Remember all those films where Ryan Gosling plays the deliciously dreamy heartthrob who consumes every woman’s deepest fantasies? Mmyeah, this is nothing like any of those.

In Lars and the Real Girl, Ryan Gosling plays Lars Linstrom, an exceedingly awkward man who lives in his brother and sister-in-law’s garage. The majority of Lars’ time is spent trying to avoid human contact and minimize the duration of conversations.

I think Lars’ awkwardness is supposed to be endearing, but it also comes off a little murdery. Lars is like the guy you hear about on the news who committed a heinous crime and all the neighbors comment that he “always kept to himself” and “seemed like a nice guy”. He rocks an unsettling mustache and often sits alone on his bed at night…in the dark…staring down at the floor. If that doesn’t scream SERIAL KILLER, I don’t know what does. And yet, as you watch the movie, you grow to appreciate his strangeness.

MV5BMjA5NzQ0NDg1MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMjg3NDQ3._V1_Lars’ sister-in-law, Karin (Emily Mortimer) tries desperately to get Lars to come and spend time with her and her husband, Gus. Karin is a compassionate, motherly type who has made it her personal mission to help Lars. Perhaps one of my favorite scenes in this movie is in the first act where Karin is trying to get Lars to come over for a meal. First, she invites him to breakfast, but he makes the excuse that he has to go to church. So, she says he should come by after church. Not wanting to be rude (and also hoping she’ll go away) Lars reluctantly agrees. But he still doesn’t show up. So when Karin sees him pull in the driveway the next night, she runs out to invite him to dinner. After several pleading exchanges, Karin ends up physically tackling Lars to the ground. It is quite hilarious, but it also shows us how seriously Karin worries about Lars’ isolationism.

Other than being a total weirdo, Lars leads a normal(ish) life. He has an office job where he shares a cubicle with a porn-addicted creeper, and fends off advances from his innocent coworker, Margot, who has a crush on him. One morning, the cubicle creeper shows Lars a website for anatomically correct sex dolls, which is seemingly of little interest to Lars. However, six weeks later, a large package is delivered to the garage. Lars shows up at Karin and Gus’ door to let them know he has a visitor — It’s Bianca, his new “girlfriend” who he “met on the internet”. Karin and Gus are thrilled at the prospect of Lars having a girlfriend, and Lars explains that he needs a favor for his new lady. Bianca is very religious and doesn’t feel comfortable staying in the garage with Lars, so he asks if Karin and Gus will allow her to use their guest bedroom. They agree with an almost giddy enthusiasm. Of course, that’s before they “meet” Bianca and realize the situation they’ll now be forced to navigate. 

To Lars, Bianca is not a doll. She is alive. She has a story and a personality. Their relationship is not based on sex (phew!), but rather on companionship. Lars knows nearly everything about Bianca, and his descriptors give us an idea of who he imagines her to be. Here are a few facts about Bianca (according to Lars):

  • She’s half Brazilian and half Danish
  • She used to be a missionary
  • She doesn’t speak much English
  • She is in a wheelchair
  • She is very religious
  • She’s not superficial
  • She cannot bear children
  • She loves kids3iAw.gif

After recovering from the moment of shock, Karin and Gus immediately start strategizing what to do next. In an ingenious move, Karin suggests taking Bianca to the doctor to make sure she’s “in good health” after her long trip. Unaware that the general practitioner is also a psychologist, Lars agrees to go and hear what the doctor has to say. The savvy psychologist gradually gains Lars’ trust as he returns each week to bring Bianca for “special treatments”.

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Her blood pressure is low, obviously.

The doctor explains to Karin and Gus that Lars is experiencing a delusion. To help him, they will need to play along. Karin and Gus take her advice but worry how the town will react and how they personally will get through it. They meet with the counsel of the local church for additional support.

This is where the film really becomes charming.

The entire town bands together for Lars, with each person generously playing into his delusion and including Bianca in their activities and social functions.

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Bianca gettin’ her hair did. 

Through Bianca’s social engagements, Lars’ relationship with everyone else grows and he starts learning to interact with the people he’s been trying so desperately to avoid. But the closer he edges away from his social anxiety, the more Lars and Bianca drift apart. They start to fight and Lars becomes jealous that Bianca’s regimented social schedule is interfering with their alone time. Slowly but surely, we see a glimmer of change in Lars, and we start to learn about the issues from his past that are making him feel so secluded.

Lars and the Real Girl
is a poignant, clever, and whimsical dramedy that reminds us what being human is truly about. Watch the film to discover how Lars evolves and what ultimately happens between him and Bianca.

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Demolition Man

It’s 1996 Los Angeles and everything is on fire. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) is an apparent “maniac” who’s holding hostages in an old building. Sylvester Stallone (Sergeant John Spartan) enters from the sky to take down all the bad guys and outsmart Phoenix, alone.

Bang bang, karate chop, punch in the spleen – he’s in.

5Now Spartan and Phoenix are face to face and ready to engage in an awkward bout of hero vs. villain banter. Cringe-forward to when Pheonix reveals the whole floor is covered in gasoline and explosive barrels — that’s right, he’s about to blow this place, cartoon style.

Spartan gets both men out in time, but the hostages are lost. Now of course, the only logical thing that could happen would be for Simon Phoenix to be arrested and John Spartan to get the Medal of Honor. Well, this movie isn’t based on logic, so the COMPLETE OPPOSITE happens.

Because the hostages died, John Spartan is convicted of involuntary manslaughter with a sentence of 70 years, which he’ll serve in a cryogenic prison that I guess our 1996 technology was capable of? They stick him in some gooey gelatin and don’t even bother putting him to sleep before they fill the tank, so he has to unpleasantly drown in goo until they freeze him. On the upside, at least his arch nemesis, Phoenix, is also getting gooed.

Now it’s 2032 and Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock) is a young police woman obsessed with the violence of 20th century culture and longing for a real crime to happen in her utopian city of San Angeles – the San Diego, Santa Barbara, Los Angeles hybrid city.

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But it’s not a utopia for everyone. Edgar Friendly (played by Denis Leary) and his small posse of  WaterWorld people are living off the grid and trying to feed their starving families from beneath the streets. Edgar and his sewer friends become an important piece of the story later.

Aside from the starving people, San Angeles also features:

  • No spicy food
  • No physical contact
  • No chocolate
  • No caffeine
  • No alcohol
  • No kissing
  • No swearing
  • “Alternative” sex only
  • ….It’s hell.

2.gifBack at the prison, the warden awakens inmates from their cryogenic sleep for parole hearings. This day is like any other, except the criminal being awakened is none other than the notorious Simon Phoenix. Clever Phoenix magically releases himself from captivity and, instead of trying to start fresh, he begins wreaking havoc. Something is different about him though, and as the story unfolds we learn what it is, and why.

Anyway, Huxley and her police crew are dumbfounded by Simon’s crimes, and after a truly pathetic attempt to apprehend him, they decide they need another 20th century barbarian to do it for them. Cue John Spartan. Fresh from the freezer, Spartan’s a stone cold fox in Huxley’s eyes, but he’s too busy realizing his entire family is dead to notice her admiration. How rude.

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Let me pause here a moment and ask a valid question: Who thought Sandra Bullock and Sylvester Stallone would have chemistry together? What casting team honestly got together and said, “You know what duo would really turn up the heat in this film? Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock. Yes…I definitely see that being an actual thing that should happen.” I’m just not feeling it. But the combination is painfully delightful, so it fits in well with how I’d describe the rest of this film.

The casting team really took it next-level with their supporting actor choices as well: Rob Schneider, Glenn Shadix (Otho in Beetlejuice), and Benjamin Bratt, to name a few. Benjamin Bratt: the costar Sandra Bullock actually had chemistry with seven years later in Miss Congeniality.

Throughout the rest of the movie, Spartan works to defy modern society and help the incapable police track down Phoenix. Along the way, we discover the true story of the underground people, learn why Simon Phoenix is on a killing spree, and watch John Spartan grapple for personal redemption.

Demolition Man is a fun, futuristic action film filled with great one liners, rat burgers, Frida Kahlo lookalikes, sea shells, overalls, and many other random and concerning wonders.

The last scene is a TREASURE.

Even though I spent most of my time writing about how awkward and weird this film is, it is that very ridiculousness that makes Demolition Man a must-see. 

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Hell or Utopia?! I can’t decide!

 

The Swan Princess

The Swan Princess is a Sony Pictures film, so if you haven’t seen it, that’s probably why. Don’t be a Disney racist — give this movie a chance. It’s not perfect, but it is entertaining.

CalmDiscreteAmericancurl-max-1mbAs you might imagine, it’s about a princess (Odette) who gets turned into a swan. Basically, her Dad (the King) pisses off a sorcerer named Lord Rothbart, who is portrayed by Mr. Ghoul himself, Jack Palance.

Lord Rothbart is banished for black magic when Princess Odette is a baby. Meanwhile, the King (who is widowed) and a widowed Queen from another village decide they’re going to bring their children together every summer until they fall in love. It’s a little pushy, but it all seems to work out once teenage hormones are in full rage.

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And? What else? There’s more to her than a rockin’ bod you goon.

Just when it seems Prince Derek might seal the deal, he somehow manages to fuck it up with a misogynistic comment. In full #MeToo mode, Odette tells him to shove it and heads back to her kingdom with her King Dad.

Shit gets dark real fast.

Lord Rothbart returns with some voodoo sorcery, kidnaps Odette, and murders her Dad and his knights. Then, to really rub salt in the wound, he keeps Odette at his shanty-ass castle and puts a spell on her that turns her into a swan. Each night, when the moon hits the lake, she turns back into a woman. But each morning when the sun rises, she returns to swan form. Odette will remain trapped at Lord Rothbart’s until she agrees to marry him, or until she kisses her true love and he makes a “vow of everlasting love” in front of the world.

In the tradition of most animated children’s films, Odette befriends some animals along the way — a chill turtle named Speed, a clever bird named Puffin, and a combative frog named Jean-Bob. Jean-Bob is voiced by the legendary John Cleese and is therefore the funniest character in the film. giphy

Derek isn’t convinced Odette is dead, so he starts training Rocky-style to get her back.  As far as animated princes go, Prince Derek doesn’t rank too far down the totem pole. His mullet-esque hair could use some help, but he makes up for it with a pair of exceptional thigh-high boots and a great singing voice.

The musical numbers in this animated film are quite nice. The songs No More Mr. Nice Guy, For Longer than Forever, and This is My Idea stand out as particular favorites.

In between these delightful musical numbers, the clever Prince Derek forges his way through the forest and eventually finds Odette.

No, this is not the end of the movie.

Odette is still under her swan spell, and she explains the predicament to Derek. They decide to meet the next night at Derek’s castle so he can make the vow of everlasting love to break the spell.

Sounds easy, right? WELL IT’S NOT. Watch the film to find out how their simple plan gets sidetracked, with a race against time to save the lovers’ relationship, and their lives.

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